Dear Agnes,
What is going on with your life? It’s an absolute circus (and I’m sure you’d agree with me on this one).
Your life is totally unappealing to me. I would’ve taken the first bus out of your life (if y’know there was one). Instead, I had my hand hovering over the “fast forward” button because when I was one-fourth into the book, I found myself annoyed with everything — the characters, the plot, the characters, the plot. (Can you see a pattern?) I wanted to speed through your life, and maybe that wasn’t a good idea since your life was already like a treadmill, getting increasingly faster as it went on.
I don’t understand how you put up with everything that happened to you and to everyone around you. You’re dealing with people who are trying to kill you because they want your dog; ex-mobsters and a hitman trying to take care of you; your temper which makes you a little frying pan-crazy; a really shitty ex-fiancee who has an alternate reason why he’s with you; batshit crazy Brenda (your best friend’s mother) who sabotages everything in your life so she can get back Two Rivers (her former house) even though she agreed to sell it to you; a wedding that you’re helping to plan (which is on the verge of collapsing); flamingos that are running amuck; and a whole lot of other problems that continue to pile up.
Everything that could go wrong did. I just couldn’t keep up with it all. I was so stressed for you. It baffled me and it was fucking absurd. Did I believe everything that happened to you? Not really. I get that you’re the main character of a romantic comedy, but goddamnit, everything is a ~messsss.
Imagine this: a chicken with its head chopped over, running aimlessly and trying to figure out where it is. That’s me. I would’ve enjoyed you and your life if I hadn’t been totally lost, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
But hey, I did like all the food talk. It made me quite famish.
Sincerely,
What an awesome way to write a review!