May is here, and I’m overcome with the fear of the unknown and a nostalgia for my childhood.
This feeling is a year-round thing; it isn’t May-specific, as if it decided to camp out inside me because the weather has been lovely in my part of the world. However, I feel the full brunt around this time of the year.
I blame it on my birthday (and partly on “It’s Gonna Be May” meme for making me nostalgic).
My birthday falls in May. Like any person, I have a love and dislike for my birthday. The awesomeness of it is that I get to celebrate with my loved ones and friends. (And sometimes, I get awesome presents.) At the same time, I’m growing older, which isn’t bad, but it makes me wonder and reflect on what I’ve done in my life. I’m in my 20s, and I feel I have yet to accomplish something truly worthwhile. I want to make an impact in people’s lives. I guess you can say that building and growing this blog is something I should feel good about—I do! I am exceptionally proud of everything I’ve accomplished with The Novel Hermit. But what else? There has to be something more than this! Right?
Growing up, I had dreams of being a tap dancer (I took no tap dancing classes, but thought tapping my feet would be easy); a soccer player (I was decent at kicking a ball until I realized there were better players); mathematician (I was exceptional at math in elementary school, but realized I was not when I entered sixth grade); a photographer (it seemed cool, but I was a self-conscious picture-taker); and a professional storyteller (I had a great imagination). I was always going to be a writer, but I became enamored with editing and made steps towards that dream of working in a publishing house. However, in the past year, that dream had disintegrated, and I’m actually okay with that. But now what? Where do I go from here?
The unknown is a funny thing; I can do anything, but I feel like I’m walking aimlessly through a desolate town, looking for any form of life to tell me what to do. I’m turning however-many-years-old, what do I do now?!
A friend had described this aimless feeling as if you’re on a train, watching everyone get off at various stops (who know exactly where they’re going), but here you are, still on the train, unsure of whether you should get off or stay on. That’s an imagery that I’m all too familiar with.
I yearn for those years when I didn’t have to worry about adult responsibilities, when all I had to worry about was what to wear to school or if I had done last night’s homework. (Where were you when I needed you, Peter Pan?!)
It’s normal to fear the unknown and growing older and feeling that aimlessness. It’s just something you deal with, and I don’t think it’s something that could ever be solved long-term. It just is.